Letting you go is one of saying,
I LOVE YOU!!!!

After a long nine months, yesterday I have confronted my heart again…………

I have left her alone on one dreadful night when she refused to walk with me, being a part of my mind and body,

Yesterday I again meet her not on the way but by moving back to her,

After a day long stay with her, again we confronted each other face to face as I needed some answer from her

And here started a conflict between mind and my heart, me listening and observing them silently……….

I asked her how you can be so selfish, that you called me back to be part of a moment which I never wanted to be

You were aware of the pain I got, still you called me back to face it again, how can you do this………

She replied I knew the pain you got, but it was not me who created this situation, it happened

All just I wanted was not have a demise end, so I called you back to be part of me!!!!

I said, here also you made him satisfied, by being good to him, again proved him worth by giving respect to him,

But do you have forget the insult he gave me, the way he publically called me selfish, the way he rescued by putting all the blames on my head?

She replied it all happened coz the situation demanded it, may be that was the only ultimate way he had in front of him!!!

I asked what is the need of all when he didn’t showed a bit of mercy for your love also, he insulted it also publically,

Have you forget the verdict said by him, that he never loved you, it was you who was behind him,

She simply replied and said, it is you who can go through the words but not me; I can only go through feelings

Yes it’s true he said, but I know how much he loved me, coz I felt it, as it was gifted to me by his heart

It was a relation of two hearts, so we know how we felt, the mind and bodies were just a mere part of it!!!

I just looked at her and smiled and asked then how can be a heart so cold that it forgets a care of humanity…….

He didn’t showed a patience to talk to you when you were facing the dreadful pain of death near you, wasn’t he was aware of it???

How can be a loving heart so cold that even today not single time he asked you “how are you”??

She replied he may not have asked me how I am or may not have talked to me when I was in worst condition

I know, that there won’t be single moment when he wouldn’t have prayed for my soon recovery in his silence,

Today may not he have asked how I am but every time he concludes with “take care”, isn’t it enough for a heart to understand!!!

I asked her what excuse you hold for the tears he have given to my family, what wrong did they did with him,

They treated him like a son, cared for him, gave respect to him but at the end he made them cry, why??

At least his heart would have said the truth following his decision to move ahead, but he lied, even refused to recognize

What excuse you hold for this??? As you were so attached to his heart, you must be having an answer for it, reply me now

With silence my heart stood in front of me, and just said I don’t know, it’s the only thing I don’t know about him……….

And tears started rolling down from eyes and I felt the immense pain inside my body and I said please come with me, I need you

She just turned away, I went close to her and said please come with me, I don’t have a worth without you……

Can’t you see my pain, the roughness I m holding now, what is the existence a body and mind have without a heart in it??

I rushed back when you called me, stood with you but now I request you to come with me, I have to move ahead!!!

She just refused to me and said I walked with you for 22 years, and acted as per your demand but now I want to be alone,

I have been hurt from deep down and I need to be recovered, I want loneliness, I can’t walk with you in that crowd

I will sit here where his heart have left me, just to make myself feel that I am not alone, coz his presence can make me happy again

His support can make me stand again and strong enough again to fight this world for you; his love can only recover me again

So I need to be here coz here only I can feel him, his heart is with me to talk, hold n love me!!!!!

I said, once when you asked me to move ahead, I went away without saying anything coz I know you had your guilt and pain to recover

But today time and god have listened to your prayers and freed you from the guilt, enough you repent

Can’t you come with me now??? What will you get by sitting here; he will never look back to you, will never!!!

She smiled and said I m not waiting for his return back coz he was true we don’t have a future together………

I m just sitting here, coz I know one day I will be strong enough and even I know may not he come back but……

His heart will pass this way in search of me and that day I should be here to say him that I m happy and he should move on…….

To make him feel that I m strong enough, and can live without him and my eyes just want to see him happily settled with his new love!!!

When he will move on with a smile to his newly awaiting happy life, I will turn back to come to you……

To be yours forever but till that I need to be here……….and with silence she sat there facing his cold attitude and remembering his teachings

Finally I moved on with tears in my eyes as even my mind knows the real truth, that it also loves him

Apart from all pains still it loves him; otherwise it won’t have turned back with a feel of his presence

And even my soul loves him otherwise it won’t have left his companion, the heart to be alone in the darkness and would have moved on……..

Coz it knows that ultimately “I HAVE TO LET HIM GO AND FOR THAT I HAVE TO MOVE ON”!!!!

VERSES - TAUGHT BY LIFE.

When everything goes wrong at a particular phase of life, is it justified saying………….

“It happened coz it had to happen”

Yes, some where you have nothing else to say when you lose all the words, which were once there to frame sentences. Life becomes really tough and you have to live it, till you are destined to!!

But life is not all about only moving on, some time it’s just to wait and watch, understand the unsaid words, trying to analyze the situation and its conclusion……and finally answering to a valuable question

Why I was choose by the God in millions to suffer this pain….why none else????

Is it was simply destined to, so it happened or do God want to teach me some lessons which I haven’t learnt on this earth till today???

A s said…….

“Someone sometimes meet to be part of your life, Sometimes to be heart of your life.

Everyone has its own role……..

Someone smile for you while, someone smile at you…….

Everything happens here with significance, nothing here is a coincidence!!!”

Everything happening around you, teaches you something valuable to remember forever!!!

As I learnt……………………………..

1. Lies can never be the companion of truth, after all everything have their own identification so is lies, at the end people judge lies on the basis of said identification, no one will ever have the patience to listen why those lies were said as lies!!!

After all it’s also correct, in this world more than “WHY”, “HOW” has its importance, at the end only thing matters is HOW YOU DID IT, rather than WHY YOU DID IT!!!

2. Every relation should be maintained with a distance, limitations has its own importance in this independent world….sometimes it’s better to be a good listener than a mentor.

Advices should be given when you are asked for it, as said every work has its value when you are paid for it, so is it…..everyone has their own space, own view, you shouldn’t change it let how close that person may be to your heart…..distances should be maintained!!!

3. Avoid peoples who show diplomacy in the relation, they can never be anyone’s. It’s good to approach an enemy at your bad times rather than approaching such a friend, who don’t have the dare to speak the truth at your face but have the reasons to back bite you, ignoring the freedom, the love, the position you have given to that person in your life. Today I hate few such people in my life that I have once called angels of my life.

Once I have been said by someone that brought unstopped tears from my eyes, that I never cared for my friends and I should be on their feet to regret…. That time I simply wondered what wrong I did such to hurt them, but today I regret for only one thing why I have shredded my valuable emotions as tears for those who never cared for me!!!

4. Be yourself, be natural. It is far easier than pretending to be someone else!!! Then at least you will be having the best friend of your life at your bad times, in your loneliness to speak out your heart…..that’ s you, yourself!!!

5. Love a heart that loves you, it’s always better to die in the arm of a person who loves you with all your good and bad things, who loves you coz he loves you, who have the courage to say it loud that he loves you….may be in a simple way but making you the most special person of the world and more than everything, of his own life, rather than living a whole life with a person whom your heart loves but he doesn’t have the time and patience to hold your hand nor having any position of yours in his priority list nor in his life!!! Saying I love you in the most beautiful way of the world by that person can’t even make you feel the simple warmth you got in the words said by a heart who loves you, in its simplest way!!

Life is the best teacher, whom everyone should admire coz it teaches you the most valuable things of life!!

I have given my whole one year to repay for the mistakes I made, may be its not enough, once when I had shut all my doors of hearts for others and lived a life a loneliness, I only feared the pain of losing them who loves me if I bring them so close to me, it was my love for them that kept me away from them………. but today when I have again closed the doors which by mistakenly once I opened to free myself , I only fear of one thing can I love anyone anymore in my life????

I m not an optimist still some where my heart believes and see a faded image of happiness…. a hand of caring, love, to again knock the doors and to set me free, to make me kid again!!! But it’s just a dream without any hope coz today I fear the hairiness that my heart holds for everything it passes through!!!

कृष्ण!!!

ओह्ह कान्हा तुज्शे आब कैसी सिखायत करना जब तुझे है सब पता तोह कैसी फ़रियाद करना……

क्यूँ देते हो इतना दर्द की आब मुजशे नहीं होता संभालना,

क्या करो, कहा जाओ, किस से कहो, क्या तुन्हें भी छोड़ दिया मेरा साथ…….ओह्ह कान्हा!!!

बहुत अकेली हो गयी हूँ ज़िन्दगी की रहो में, पहली भी थी पर आब डर लगता है तन्हाई से…….

पर साची तो येही है , यह ज़िन्दगी तो सिर्फ अकेलपन का ही नाम है,

ऐसा कौन सा गुनाह किया था मैंने जो तुमने मुझे इतना बेबस करके छोड़ दिया…….ओह्ह कान्हा!!!

तुझे मैं हर रूप देखा, तुझे ही सब माना, कभी भी तुज्शे सिखायत नहीं की………….

जो भी दिया तुने, खुसी से अपनाया, खुद से भी कभी सावल नहीं की

पर आज तेरे दिए हुए भीक ही मेरे शारी खुसिया ले चली गयी,……..ईसे क्यूँ कान्हा!!!!

कोई समझे या न समझे पर तुमसे कुछ अनजान नहीं है, मैं कोई पाप नहीं किया……

न ही कभी किसीका बुरा चाह, न ही कभी किसी का दिल तोड़ना चाह,

फिर भी क्यूँ आज कोई मुझे नहीं समझ पाया, क्यूँ मैं सबसे इतनी अलग हो गयी……क्यूँ कान्हा!!!

मैंने तोह सिर्फ इन्सनियात का रिश्ता निभाया था पर उसे इंसानो ने ही मुझे धोका दे दिया…………..

कैसी मज़बूरी है आज मेरी, कैसी उल्फात है यह मेरी, और कैसी बेबसी है

चाह के भी आज मैं कोई साच नहीं बोल प् रही हूँ और न ही आब चुप रहा जा रहा है!!!

ऐसा क्यूँ कान्हा………क्यूँ कान्हा……क्यूँ………..

अगर साथ छोड़ के जाना ही था तुझे भी तो क्यूँ दिए एक और ज़िन्दगी, क्यूँ कान्हा…….

आब नहीं और सहा जाता यह दर्द, न ही यह दुःख, जो गुनाह नहीं किया, आब उसकी भोज नहीं उठाया जाता

बहुत इन्तीज़र कर ली, बहुत फ़रियाद कर ली पर कोई मुझे नहीं समाज पाया,

आब और नहीं, हर रिश्ते मैंने आप में देखा, ईसलिए हर रिश्ते को मैंने दिल से निभाया ……..

पर शायद येही मेरी गलती थी , की मैंने भगवन को भी उनका इज्ज़त नहीं दिया

इंसानो को इंसानो के तरह नहीं देख पाई, खुद के लिए भी रिश्ता ही नहीं दुंद पाई!!!

आप में हर रिश्ता देखा पर ज़िन्दगी मैं पहली बार किसी में आप को देखा,

सू नफरत के बाद जब दिल जुडी, तोह ऊसमे आपको पाया, पर शायद मैं आपको पाके भी समझ नहीं paye

पर जाते जाते बस एक ही दुवा है, दिल की हर दरवाजे फिर से बंद करने से पहले एक फ़रियाद है…….

हर मुश्किल मैं उसका दोस्त और हार दर्द मैं उसके आंसुओं बने रहेगा……

क्युंकी कहते है जब साथ किसी का हो तोह हर मुश्किल भी आसान लगते है………..

और जब दर्द आंसुओं बनके बह जाते तोह वोह दिल मैं अपना कोई जगह नहीं बना पते!!!

इतना तोह आप मेरे सुनोगे न…..ओह्ह कान्हा…….कन्हाआआआआआ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OCT 27..........

The night which rained heavily not outside my house but inside my house……..

With tears, with bleeding pain, a complete night spent in a mourning of my feelings!!!

Like a dead body laid my dreams, wishes, I respect and my purity………..

The room filled with the smoke of betrayal, hairiness, anger and self cursing!!!

Sometimes consoling myself then sometimes looking deep into my parent’s eyes, night passed……

Entire night my room was lighted yet me in a complete dark…..in a thought why???

After 20 yrs again I tried to make myself comfortable in between my parent’s warmth…..

But as said you can get your soul’s peace in your deeds only not even in your mother’s lap!!!

So was me……every moment came in front of my eyes, every harsh words turned out my heart……

Every lies said by someone pinged into my heart and asked a simple question how???

Why?? How?? When??? Accompanied me not only that night but till today!!!!

I hated and cursed to the moment I took the decision of accompanying this pain for my lifetime

I hated each and every moment I spent, just to see this dreadful night!!!!

I hated all the sweet words said to me, all the love I got……I even hated the warmth of a touch.

The night when I saw for the first time tears in my dad’s eyes, the red tears!!!

I cursed down myself with all worst things just to give a bit of peace in return of the red tears it saw….

I felt ashamed of myself, for what all I did and wondered how can I??? How can I???

Finally with traces of few memories, I got up to live my guilt, to repay for the red tears!!!

Oct 27……. A night with a vintage dream, a dream which let never comes in anyone’s sleep……

“A night which made my so much of losses that can be never regained in my life!!!

A black night with unpleasant wind and dreadful sounds of thundering…….

A night which I can never forget even in my great achievements or in my deepest fall.”